The other night, I came through and deleted all of my old blog posts. Naturally, I seriously regret this. I started this blog to help map my path toward self-discovery and mental clarity. And, I did what I do best, I just decided to start all over again. Ah, well, it's gone now. Time to start over, I suppose. If anyone has any nifty ways to recover deleted blog posts, I'd be happy to hear them...
I find myself, once again, repeating the same tried and true cycles of refusing to take responsibility for my life and stop running in circles. I haven't been to class in, oh, a month or so. I did so well over the summer. What could have possibly happened during the two week break between semesters? I have been trying to figure this out. I have a lot of spare time when I'm not in class or doing my homework. I've just been running in circles in my head. It's hard to see the truth. But, I think I've finally stumbled upon something.
I've decided to start therapy like it's my job again. I even found a guy who is not only a therapist but a life coach. I'm thinking this might be helpful because I was considering selling a bunch of stuff and paying a psychic every penny I had to tell me what to do with my life. We shall see... He asked me one question in particular that got me thinking. What do you feel in control of? Would you believe that I had a hard time answering this? And, then, I started thinking about all the ways in which I attempt to relinquish all control. It's sort of my motto. Relinquish control. Believe in the Universe. This all sounds very poetic, but I don't think it means what I think it means. The idea of relinquishing control is the idea of giving into the fact that the future is unknown. This planet we're spinning around on is more of a mystery than anything. All we can do is live right now and trust that everything will work itself out. That's what I think of when I say relinquish control. But, that's not what I'm doing. Instead of accepting that my future is not written and there is no way of knowing what it could possibly look like, I'm giving up on right now and throwing myself into a proverbial river hoping it will carry me to my predestined future. I'm doing the exact opposite of what I'm preaching. It would seem that the last thing I want to be true is the fact that I don't have a fully mapped out destiny. That would mean that I might be forced to accept responsibility for my own life. Good lord, help us all!
So, a lot of writing and a google search (refusal to accept responsibility of control, psychology) later, I came up with a few options. First, I did some reading about narcissism. I fit the bill in a lot of ways (elaborately constructed fantasy world, spends lots of time alone, blames others for dysfunctional relationships), but I'm not a total emotional cripple. I do actually love and trust people. Just not a whole lot of them. --I should take an aside here and mention that I'm a little bit obsessed with diagnosing myself. Ever since my first day of therapy, I've been looking for a title to give myself. I think I must believe that if I give it a name, I can more easily cure it. Or this may be more of my inability to accept the fact that a lot of things are just fucking vague...-- So, yes, I have narcissistic tendencies but that doesn't really seem to be the lot of it. Then, I do a little research on victim psychology. I do like to blame my parents for my neuroses, but it doesn't really fit the bill either. And, then, I stumbled on this glorious term: The Cinderella Complex. Check out the link. It's pretty interesting.
http://www.womens-wellbeing-and-mental-health.com/the-cinderella-complex.html
It goes back to something I said in therapy, "I would fall in love, and then everything would magically work itself out." Here's a cycle that I recognize. This would really tie in well with the blog about how dating is just like calculus. Oh, yes, I deleted that in a moment of shame. Anyway... I talked a bit about how I become disillusioned, move, become disillusioned, move... And on and on it goes from Louisville to Nashville and back again. But, it's a little bit deeper than that. I must admit that every time I move, I get this idea in my head that I'm going to meet my prince. And, when I meet someone and it doesn't work out, that's when the disillusionment thing starts. It has always started after a failed relationship. Except for this summer. It started with a hateful tarot reading. Which brings me to the Existential Crisis Summer 2011 (I will be getting an airbrushed t-shirt).
I convinced myself, as I always do, that I would fall in love when I moved here. At this point I would have to say that what this looks like in my head is a whole lot of some poor guy nursing this wounded stray little kitten back to health with unconditional love and apparently an endless supply of resources (economic and emotional). And, then, the future is all bright and shiny and happy. And, it ends right there. It in no way, shape, or form involves me as an independent and strong woman entering into a relationship with an equal. It involves me being nurtured and then all of my worries magically slipping away. Funny, this fantasy future is even more vague than my real life future that I'm so terrified of. At any rate, it didn't look like it was going to happen in this calendar year, so I went to get a tarot reading and suss out what was going wrong. Well, my reading went horribly awry and instead of promising me a bright and shiny future with, well, Jesus as a husband, I was told that I was posturing like I wanted to be alone. And, I was going to end up alone! This did not sit well with me at all, partially because it struck a chord whose melody makes me squirm. And, this spiraled me into the disillusioned with my current circumstances cycle. Yet again. This is not the best way to start a semester, I might add.
So, here's the current duality at play, which I believe is a very large part of my inability to be successful. First, I have an incredible intellectual curiosity and a sincere desire to understand the mechanics of the world better. This naturally leads me to academia. And, then, I have this deep-seeded desire to be rescued from the incredibly heavy weight of being responsible for my future and happiness by a man. But, I know this isn't what I really want. Every time the opportunity presents itself, I flee. And, instead of dating anyone that might actually be 'relationship material,' I spend my time chasing after commitment phobic man children. So, I'm sabotaging my rescue scenario before it even has a chance to play itself out. And, I'm sabotaging my self-reliant, well-educated future because what I secretly want is to be rescued. Why did I delete my blog posts? Honestly, in the back of my mind, I was thinking that someone might consider me undateable if they read them. Dear, me. It's a good thing I love myself. Because I sure do wear myself out. And, the Prince Charming in this story is going to have to be me. Clearly, I am very dashing. But, I have no idea how to ride a horse or how to sword fight.
I find myself, once again, repeating the same tried and true cycles of refusing to take responsibility for my life and stop running in circles. I haven't been to class in, oh, a month or so. I did so well over the summer. What could have possibly happened during the two week break between semesters? I have been trying to figure this out. I have a lot of spare time when I'm not in class or doing my homework. I've just been running in circles in my head. It's hard to see the truth. But, I think I've finally stumbled upon something.
I've decided to start therapy like it's my job again. I even found a guy who is not only a therapist but a life coach. I'm thinking this might be helpful because I was considering selling a bunch of stuff and paying a psychic every penny I had to tell me what to do with my life. We shall see... He asked me one question in particular that got me thinking. What do you feel in control of? Would you believe that I had a hard time answering this? And, then, I started thinking about all the ways in which I attempt to relinquish all control. It's sort of my motto. Relinquish control. Believe in the Universe. This all sounds very poetic, but I don't think it means what I think it means. The idea of relinquishing control is the idea of giving into the fact that the future is unknown. This planet we're spinning around on is more of a mystery than anything. All we can do is live right now and trust that everything will work itself out. That's what I think of when I say relinquish control. But, that's not what I'm doing. Instead of accepting that my future is not written and there is no way of knowing what it could possibly look like, I'm giving up on right now and throwing myself into a proverbial river hoping it will carry me to my predestined future. I'm doing the exact opposite of what I'm preaching. It would seem that the last thing I want to be true is the fact that I don't have a fully mapped out destiny. That would mean that I might be forced to accept responsibility for my own life. Good lord, help us all!
So, a lot of writing and a google search (refusal to accept responsibility of control, psychology) later, I came up with a few options. First, I did some reading about narcissism. I fit the bill in a lot of ways (elaborately constructed fantasy world, spends lots of time alone, blames others for dysfunctional relationships), but I'm not a total emotional cripple. I do actually love and trust people. Just not a whole lot of them. --I should take an aside here and mention that I'm a little bit obsessed with diagnosing myself. Ever since my first day of therapy, I've been looking for a title to give myself. I think I must believe that if I give it a name, I can more easily cure it. Or this may be more of my inability to accept the fact that a lot of things are just fucking vague...-- So, yes, I have narcissistic tendencies but that doesn't really seem to be the lot of it. Then, I do a little research on victim psychology. I do like to blame my parents for my neuroses, but it doesn't really fit the bill either. And, then, I stumbled on this glorious term: The Cinderella Complex. Check out the link. It's pretty interesting.
http://www.womens-wellbeing-and-mental-health.com/the-cinderella-complex.html
 | |
| If only Prince Charming had a beard! |
It goes back to something I said in therapy, "I would fall in love, and then everything would magically work itself out." Here's a cycle that I recognize. This would really tie in well with the blog about how dating is just like calculus. Oh, yes, I deleted that in a moment of shame. Anyway... I talked a bit about how I become disillusioned, move, become disillusioned, move... And on and on it goes from Louisville to Nashville and back again. But, it's a little bit deeper than that. I must admit that every time I move, I get this idea in my head that I'm going to meet my prince. And, when I meet someone and it doesn't work out, that's when the disillusionment thing starts. It has always started after a failed relationship. Except for this summer. It started with a hateful tarot reading. Which brings me to the Existential Crisis Summer 2011 (I will be getting an airbrushed t-shirt).
I convinced myself, as I always do, that I would fall in love when I moved here. At this point I would have to say that what this looks like in my head is a whole lot of some poor guy nursing this wounded stray little kitten back to health with unconditional love and apparently an endless supply of resources (economic and emotional). And, then, the future is all bright and shiny and happy. And, it ends right there. It in no way, shape, or form involves me as an independent and strong woman entering into a relationship with an equal. It involves me being nurtured and then all of my worries magically slipping away. Funny, this fantasy future is even more vague than my real life future that I'm so terrified of. At any rate, it didn't look like it was going to happen in this calendar year, so I went to get a tarot reading and suss out what was going wrong. Well, my reading went horribly awry and instead of promising me a bright and shiny future with, well, Jesus as a husband, I was told that I was posturing like I wanted to be alone. And, I was going to end up alone! This did not sit well with me at all, partially because it struck a chord whose melody makes me squirm. And, this spiraled me into the disillusioned with my current circumstances cycle. Yet again. This is not the best way to start a semester, I might add.
So, here's the current duality at play, which I believe is a very large part of my inability to be successful. First, I have an incredible intellectual curiosity and a sincere desire to understand the mechanics of the world better. This naturally leads me to academia. And, then, I have this deep-seeded desire to be rescued from the incredibly heavy weight of being responsible for my future and happiness by a man. But, I know this isn't what I really want. Every time the opportunity presents itself, I flee. And, instead of dating anyone that might actually be 'relationship material,' I spend my time chasing after commitment phobic man children. So, I'm sabotaging my rescue scenario before it even has a chance to play itself out. And, I'm sabotaging my self-reliant, well-educated future because what I secretly want is to be rescued. Why did I delete my blog posts? Honestly, in the back of my mind, I was thinking that someone might consider me undateable if they read them. Dear, me. It's a good thing I love myself. Because I sure do wear myself out. And, the Prince Charming in this story is going to have to be me. Clearly, I am very dashing. But, I have no idea how to ride a horse or how to sword fight.
